Old Affairs & New Found Lovers

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They're intoxicating, at first, but may not provide what you really need.

But I loved him, and I was committed to him and to our marriage. Time passed in a blur of domestic, social and professional activity. While he worked, I put my career on hold to be a stay-at-home mum to our children. We functioned well as a couple; we worked hard in our respective domains, we entertained, we organized family holidays with other couples and their children, and we had sex, although not as frequently as my husband would have liked.

Then my husband decided to take voluntary redundancy in order to write a book — but somehow the first chapter never materialized. He had promised and failed so many times to lose weight, get fit, write his book proposal, tidy his study actually our living room , start growing vegetables and teach our son to ride his bike that, in the end, I simply stopped taking him seriously. Then there was the drinking. Sometimes I would wake up in the night and go downstairs to find him still slumped over the kitchen table, television blaring, another empty bottle of wine in front of him. When I woke up the next day, I was consumed not by guilt but by the desire to see him again.

I texted him, and his return message sent a jolt of electricity directly to my groin. At our next meeting it became obvious to both of us that sex was a simple inevitably, and we agreed to cut short our dangerous liaison. A month went by.

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I seriously considered voluntary work as a way of re-channeling my libidinous energies. We met one late summer night at a wine bar on the Embankment in London and, as darkness fell, he kissed me. Over the course of the next year we saw each other perhaps once every ten days and exchanged hundreds of chatty, erotic, loved-up and miserable emails and texts.

The rest of the time I divided, like any other working mother, between office, home and early morning visits to the gym — my children, then ten and six, were often taken to school and picked up by their stay-at-home dad. To do nice things for each other. Do they ever, I wonder, wish their lives had brought them together sooner? One day four years ago, Maureen Hearfield was flicking through a magazine when she came across an advert for an introductions agency called Single Friends.

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It was promising to put older single women in touch with older single men. Maureen, then in her late 70s, and a widow, was intrigued. She phoned the agency, and received a list of men and their phone numbers in the post. The first number she called belonged to a year-old man named Ray Badby. Could I come and see you? Ray lived almost miles away in a residential home in the North Yorkshire town of Northallerton. And then, after a year or so, Ray phoned to say that the room next to his had fallen vacant: would Maureen like to move in?

She would: Maureen packed up her life in Hull, and her son drove her to the Northallerton home where she and Ray now live in adjacent rooms. The companionship — and love — Maureen and Ray have found could not, it seems, have come as more of a surprise to both of them. I must have been abroad for a year. I just went round seeing things. Maureen had never expected to fall in love again, either.

What it feels like to choose between your husband and your lover

To tell you the truth, I was quite happy. Marriage is not on the agenda for Maureen and Ray: they are both content just to be living together, a fact that amuses her.

She straightened me up. She looks after me. What would they say to someone else in later life who is lonely and fears they might never meet anyone again? Maureen thinks for a moment. Doug can remember the exact moment he realised he was in love with June. But, 80 or not, he had; and so, it gradually became clear, had June with him. On Sundays, they would take the children to the same church in Lowestoft that June and her husband Peter, a railwayman, attended. The feelings of intense pleasure and love you start feeling for your affair partner is beyond anything you felt before.

Or maybe you needed to feel sexy and desirable again. This often happens when women are in a midlife season. There are many reasons women have affairs. I suggest sitting down and think of what the relationship with this man is providing you. They thought I was singing the praises of the benefits of affairs. How can you possibly end it when you have such a connection right?

This is pretty common. Even Sue told me the connection between her and her affair partner was unlike anything she ever felt before with her husband. That might be true, and it might not. That may sound presumptuous of me, because after all, how do I know what she ever felt with her husband? But the common thread in almost all emotionally charged type of affairs is the soul bond and connection.

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The problem is, our feelings lie to us. They cloud our memory and influence our decision making skills. Those reasons may seem a distant memory now, but most of us started our relationships dreamy eyed and in love.

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The truth is, most of us felt our spouses could do no wrong in the beginning. But as our years together add up, so can our records of their wrongs. Why is that? Every relationship has stages and the early stages is filled with euphoric feelings and seeing only the best in our new found lover. This same euphoric feeling is at the start of every affair, and probably even more so for your affair partner. Because of the illicit, secretive nature of an affair.

Am I right or am I right?? Well this statement also probably ages me.


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The emotional connection that feels like love can be extremely hard to break apart. This was what Sue described. But then she described how all her willpower and resolve melt away when she went to break it off with her affair partner in person. Or it becomes a very lonnngggg good-bye. Maybe you feel guilty for leading him along, especially if you initiated the affair.

So she felt bad that he would be very depressed if she broke off the affair, as though she needed to rescue him.

Old Affairs & New Found Lovers Old Affairs & New Found Lovers
Old Affairs & New Found Lovers Old Affairs & New Found Lovers
Old Affairs & New Found Lovers Old Affairs & New Found Lovers
Old Affairs & New Found Lovers Old Affairs & New Found Lovers
Old Affairs & New Found Lovers Old Affairs & New Found Lovers

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